Where do babies come from? Wait. Let’s back up a moment. Where does marriage come from? Not arranged marriages. Marriage is born of love, which was spawned by commitment, which was a result of quality time spent together, which is an effect of dating, which was the product of… the flirt. It sounds scandalous when I say it. But think about it. Without that initial flirt, there would be no date. Without the dates there would be no quality time. Without quality time there would be no mutual choice to commit to marriage. Face it. Without the flirt, life could be lonely. But many ladies feel it is not their job to initiate the pursuit. That’s the man’s job! But it doesn’t mean ladies can’t reciprocate. Sometimes men need some encouraging words of affirmation to get things rolling. These are my 10 commandments (more like highly recommended suggestions) for guys to have successful flirting encounters. Ladies, I will include some takeaways for you as well.
What is the definition of flirt?
Behave as though attracted to or trying to attract someone, but for amusement rather than with serious intentions.
Notice that this is not an endorsement for hooking up, one night stands, scoring a sexual encounter, or any action that would result in physical exploration and/or fornication. Keep it clean and keep it for marriage. As if I had to clarify!
Let’s clear the air with a couple of disclaimers for single ladies and gentlemen.
Ladies, a flirt does not put a diamond ring on your finger. A flirt may lack seriousness at first, but could turn serious. Or it could have zero meaning whatsoever. Ladies, our brains like to race all week about what the meaning of words spoken or actions taken could have meant. The excitement of possibility can be fun, but don’t put all your eggs in one basket. Certain nice guys have a tendency to be innocent or oblivious of how far their kind words go. I should know as I married a man who is notorious for being encouraging to everyone he meets. Add a genuine smile and good looks to the fella and you’ve got yourself in a tailspin with rose-colored glasses.
Gentlemen, if you feel you don’t have a shot with the woman of your dreams, I have good news for you. If you feel like you don’t know how to break the ice with a good flirt, here is a nugget of truth that is generally true: women fall in love with their ears – not their eyes. I am not recommending draping yourself in velvet like George Costanza and letting your body go while you eat potato chips and play Halo. Physical attraction is a glorious thing – for you and for women. Just because women swoon over words doesn’t mean your date will put a blindfold on when you’re out for a night on the town. The goal is to get her to go out with you. To be seen with you. Out. There. In public. Not as scary as it sounds. But take care of yourself. You don’t need the face of Brad Pitt or the muscles of… we’ll just stick to Brad Pitt. But groom yourself, bathe, brush your teeth, put on deodorant, and spray some cologne (one spray is enough). Above all: long live chivalry!
1. Thou Shalt Not Wear Out Thy Jokes
We’ve all been there or at least we’ve been around it. The man with no game. Maybe he gets a laugh when he lets his joke slip. What he may not realize is that it was a courtesy laugh. A courtesy laugh is just being polite rather than responding with dead air. The joke was such a hit in the mind of the male flirter that each occasion thereafter, the joke is brought back to light when he is around the same female. Like a washed up comedian who went from big shows at the Apollo to doing kids’ birthday parties as a clown… It’s just sad. Please, keep fresh material coming. Even if each joke really isn’t funny, perhaps you’ll get better, find out what really makes her laugh, and maybe – just maybe – your efforts will become endearing to her.
2. Be Thou a Southern Gentleman
Not from the South? No worries. In my experience traveling throughout the nation, young church groups throughout are trying to teach a generation one thing without knowing it: how to be southern. Manners go a long way. On many occasions in my single days, the young rock star revivalists never thought to help with my luggage, hold the door, or pay for my coffee. Being from the South, I guess I knew what I was missing. If you think you might be interested, don’t miss the opportunity to be a southern gentleman. Even if the flirt goes nowhere, at least folks will think your mama raised you right!
3. Get Thou Employment
If you want to increase your chances of reaching a successful flirt, her knowing you have a job could advance you to a date. Certain flirtatious gestures require money. Perhaps you’re broke as a joke but get out of that mindset. As Robert Kiyosaki says, “Never say you cannot afford something. That is a poor man’s attitude. Ask HOW to afford it.” Don’t cop out because it may require work. Do you know what requires work? A relationship. Marriage. Kids. Family. So don’t give up on a flirt that easy!
4. Compliment Thy Lady
Did she wear her hair different? Perhaps it’s curly rather than straight. Straight instead of curly. Wavy instead of straight. Perhaps she has some new polish on her fingernails. A new color. Insignificant you say? You don’t notice those things? Well start! Pay attention to those details.
5. Leave Thy Lady In Wait
You break the ice. The initial flirt was a success. Now it’s time to add her as a friend on Facebook, follow her on Instagram, send her a text that night, and message her on all social media platforms, right? Wrong! An overdose can kill your chances when you come off too strong and too fast. Don’t cheapen the fun that comes with anticipation for your next run-in by throwing up your attention all over her. Your good intentions can be translated as desperate. There’s excitement in the wait.
6. Do Not Commit Emotional Overload
Emotions are good. It’s our soul. But a flirt is not a serious act. Can the relationship take a serious turn? Of course. There’s time for that. But a quick turnoff can be switching gears in your approach from fun to serious. Light to heavy. Spontaneous to tense. Perhaps your default is to be a very emotional. Ideally, the flirt is not seeking an immediate emotional connection outside of fun. If, in your first encounter, you are attempting to bring a moment of shared tears (not brought about by laughing), move along friend. Cheer up before you delve any further in the life of romance because it won’t thrive without joy. Does this mean you won’t ever have moments together in the future with a range of shared emotions? Of course not. But those doors open with trust, and trust with time. Think of flirting as getting in the line at customs. Sometimes you get into the country quickly, other times, they check you out thoroughly.
7. Thou Shalt Smile
The more comfortable a lady is in your presence, the more likely she is to go out on a date with you. A smile is disarming. Smiling through your teeth (faking it) is something we can easily discern. Again, let out your joy.
8. Watch Thy Mouth
Foul language, crude humor, and vulgarity might get a few laughs with your fellow male buddies, but to a lady it’s a red flag that says, “Yeah… I’ll never introduce him to my parents.”
9. Thy Timing is Everything
In sports, they say you not only need to beat the opponent, but you need to beat the ref. Well your opponents are the other men in pursuit and the ref is timing. Even if your friends are in the fight to impress her, your timing can make them a footnote. Friends are great, but hopefully you won’t live with them forever. However, you will (hopefully) live with a spouse for the rest of your life. Perhaps it could be her.
10. Thou Shalt Be Confident
If you have the right words, the best jokes, and greatest smile but have no confidence, it’s like waving the white flag of surrender. Get a little fight in you when it comes to pursuing. Perhaps covering a simple gesture of flirting seems silly, but a single man must start somewhere. If you don’t feel you are interesting, be interesting. If your life has been video games and chat rooms, get out and live. She’s waiting on you to make a move!
And again I say, long live chivalry.