December 31st, 2009 was a blue moon. Jonathan and I had been friends for a few years and had been dating the past few months. After a day at the Biltmore Estate, one of the best meals I’ve ever eaten at 131 Main, and a late night showing of Sherlock Holmes in the theater, I soon found that many of these events – as fun as they were – was planned to kill time until midnight. As I sat on the front porch, he played the guitar and sang to me. Unbeknownst to me, there was a gift beneath the bench where I was seated. When Jonathan prompted me to open my gift, I found a Bible with my first name on it – and his last name. This was bold! The moment of truth! I opened to where the ribbon bookmark was placed – I Corinthians 13 – popularly known as “the love chapter” – and throughout the entire Bible, the word love was highlighted 656 times everywhere it appeared in the text. Tied to the ribbon bookmark was a diamond ring. Jonathan proposed in 2009 and I shouted, “Yes!” in 2010 at midnight followed immediately by fireworks. We were engaged to be married.
Without a doubt, Jonathan pulled out all the stops when it came to this engagement. It seemed perfect. But there were many things we learned along the way including what we would have done differently, what we would have changed, and what we took away from our experience. My last two blogs about flirting and dating were primarily for the guys with some takeaways for the ladies. These tips are good for anyone who is engaged, thinking about engagement, or planning a wedding.
1. You don’t have to get it all together before popping the question
My husband often makes the joke that I didn’t marry him for his money. It was for love! He says this because he was unemployed when he proposed. Before our wedding, he worked for the Census, knocked on the doors of strangers, and was even greeted by someone holding a .22 and a shovel (It must have been the government ID badge around his neck.). Although no shots were fired, no holes were dug, and this gentleman was nice as could be, it was no dream job. However, with the responsibility of being a provider for our home, he stepped up to do what was necessary to make sure the necessities of life were taken care. Although it may have seemed like he was a jobless musician at the time, I can say with absolute certainty that he has always been someone I can dream with. Many of those dreams we’ve conquered and others we still press on towards. We have seen provision come to our home in miraculous ways that can only be attributed to divine providence coupled with favor. If you wait for everything to be perfect, it never will be. If you’re in love, ask for her hand in marriage and get rolling! Ladies, if you love him, don’t run away because his wallet is temporarily light. Run away if his ambition is.
2. Keep the engagement short
Seven months. Seven long months. This was the duration of our engagement. By the time the wedding day arrived, the things I should have cared about suddenly didn’t seem so important. The wedding plans were on everyone’s lips but at the end of the day, all I wanted was to be married to my best friend. I wouldn’t typically consider seven months to be a long engagement. But I’ve met plenty who are engaged for an entire year. A year! Or more! In my posts about flirting and dating, I’ve stated that those were not tips to be followed with the intentions of being sexually active. The same goes for engagement. But engagement comes with a new temptation.
Well, we’re going to have sex anyway when we’re married. What harm is there in doing it a few months early?
Initially, an individual will say they are strong enough to withstand. But you are a hot-blooded human being and most likely have a sex drive. Attraction is not bad. The desire for sex is not bad. You are not a robot that can be turned off at the flip of a switch. You are subjective, emotional, and have your own personal wants in life. The real battle is in the wait. Perhaps it’s not true if marrying for money or because you know her rich aunt will leave you her millions when she dies. But if you’re marrying for love and you are attracted to one another, do yourselves a favor – keep the engagement short.
When planning a wedding, you can accomplish everything you need to in 3 – 4 months. Perhaps even in a shorter amount of time. A good wedding coordinator is a great investment so you have professional assistance in making decisions that you may have never considered for your big day. Your wedding shouldn’t be a source of stress but excitement. Exhilarating anticipation. Not a burden. The longer you wait, you can easily burnout running through the wedding plans over and over and over again.
If a long engagement is a buffer zone to provide sufficient time for the person to change in a certain area, let me save you the trouble with some advice: Run the other way instead of chasing after a false hope. Marriage is not about changing a person but joining a person. If the word potential is on your lips when describing your significant other, please spare yourself further frustration and heartache and turn around. One day in the right direction is better than a year in the wrong direction. Because there is someone who doesn’t just see their potential but appreciates who they already are. What may seem like quirks to you may be treasures to another. Short engagements are not for the unsure. These aren’t just for the spontaneous, but for those who agree their lives will be better when together. Why delay any further?
3. Get premarital counseling
Rose-colored glasses exist. You will be faced with a moment to take them off and ask some questions that will force a brutally honest answer. Welcome to premarital counseling. Jonathan and I went to a third-party member for our premarital counseling. He was one of my professors at Lee University and always spoke words of wisdom for marriage. I won’t discourage you from going to your pastor. But who wants to have an open discussion about sex with their pastor? Be sure you receive wisdom from someone who has a strong marriage. This counselor’s job is not only to give you sound advice, but they have another agenda: To break you up. When I say to break you up, I don’t mean they’re going to make you call each other degrading names or confess your biggest beef with their in-laws. They are simply asking questions to bring issues to the surface that may have never been addressed. It doesn’t sound romantic and it may not always be easy. But it is certainly something I will always stand by. I believe divorce would plummet if only those who have been divorced never got married at all. It’s preliminary action to avoid marriage if agreement is not found on many issues. For example, when asked how many kids they want, the male says he doesn’t want kids and his fiancé says she wants four. You may be thinking, Surely they have discussed this. You would think so but that’s not always the case. Perhaps the question arises on where they would like to live. The woman wants to live in the city and her fiancé wants to move to his parent’s farm and build a house right next door to theirs. These are only two situations that a good counselor should make you confront.
A good counselor’s goal is not to strike fear into your heart. I have heard terrible stories where the couple was told that sex is the most painful thing in the world. Never in years, spanning over a decade, did these couples consummate the marriage. These marriages end in divorce with the couple’s virginity still intact. This is tragic and easily avoidable because fear ruled the counselor’s office.
Perhaps you think your fiancé won’t open up or speak in the session. That’s okay. They don’t have to share what they don’t want to. The counselor will heavily guide the conversation. Either way, it is beneficial and will launch you into marriage with confidence and reassurance that your marriage will last.
If you are interested in receiving premarital counseling, I would be happy to discuss further. Just email me at info@keelifawcett.com.